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25 Random Insults and Comebacks

1. You: Your hair is messed up.
Person: Your brain is messed up.
You: At least I have one

2. It's funny, how a [guy, girl] like you can have such a tiny brain and still have a huge mouth…

3. Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

4. Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

5. Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

6. Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

7. Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

8. You’re so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch “Sixty Minutes.”

9. I don't think you are an idiot, but then what's MY opinion against everyone else's?

10. I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

11. I don't know what makes you so freaking stupid, but it really works!

12. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

13. I don’t know everything. I just know more than you.

14. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

15. Nerves of steel, mind of lead.

16. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.

17. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo

18. He is YOUR god, they are YOUR rules, So YOU burn in hell.

19. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

20. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, a ferment, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

21. You tell enough white lies to ice a cake.

22. Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?

23. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

24. I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.

25. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Since 25 Random Sayings did so well, I made this one up. I'm thinking of making a 25 series of different things. =D

Okay so I didn't come up with any of these, but I did go to all the trouble of looking them up on google, sorting the funny from the just plain mean, and putting them in a word doc. Very hard work.

Sorry if these insult you, but thats kind of what they're for. :XD: I tried to keep them not too mean, and I picked only the ones that made me laugh so hard I snorted. :D

The last one is my favorite. :D
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsupertoon357:
SuperToon357 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
#3 Made me chuckle.
Reply
:iconsomeonespecial17:
SomeoneSPECIAL17 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Some more???

1.  Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory

2.  Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

3.  You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen

4.  Your family tree is a cactus because everyone in it is a prick

5.  If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid

6.  Do you have to leave soon? I was about to poison the tea

7.  Do you know how to tell when you're lying? Your lips move

8.  Roses are red, violets are blue, god made me pretty, what happened to you?

9.  I'd ask you how old you are, but I don't think you can count that high

10.  Your so ugly when you popped out the doctor said aww what a treasure and your mom said yeah lets bury it

11.  
If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents
Reply
:iconcigamekac:
cigamekac Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Student General Artist
daaannng.... I will keep these in mind XD
Reply
:iconjustforage:
JustForAge Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
lmfao priceless XD
Reply
:iconpigletsmall:
pigletsmall Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
Amazing
Reply
:iconadewdewk:
Adewdewk Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013
Lol number 14
Reply
:iconbrittanymyers13:
BrittanyMyers13 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2013  Professional General Artist
I love number 23. I thought these were hilarious!
Reply
:iconmingxingyao:
MingXingYao Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
LOL
Reply
:iconcpluto444:
CPluto444 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
I love this...
Reply
:iconmingxingyao:
MingXingYao Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
I adore your profile picture by the way~! (^u^)
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
*Laughs* It is pretty cool, huh? :]
Reply
:iconcpluto444:
CPluto444 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
^J^
Reply
:icontheweirdgirlinclass:
theweirdgirlinclass Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lol #6 reminds me of a deleted/extended scene of my favorite movie! I would say it but I don't know if you've seen/like the movie
Reply
:iconkittrex:
Kittrex Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lol! These are so funny! XD
I'll have to memorize them for when the situation calls for it! (I probably won't though...)
Reply
:iconcorundumspirit:
corundumspirit Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2010
:rofl: the last 2 sound just like my Alg2 "teacher"
:hmm: maybe I'll say these too him, he's not going to do anything to me.
Reply
:icontheelementofmagic:
TheElementOfMagic Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
These are epic, I love the last one too. :D
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2010
*Grins* Thanks. :D
Reply
:iconthechocolatetiger:
TheChocolateTiger Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010   Writer
26; does your train of thought have a caboose?
Reply
:iconstranger-danger101:
Stranger-danger101 Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2009
:lmao: Ohhhhh my. Now that made my day! Thank you kind madam...
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2010
^-^ Glad to be of service.
Reply
:iconstranger-danger101:
Stranger-danger101 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010
I'm glad to please you miss.
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2010
*Grins* I am beginning to think this is the start of a wonderful new friendship.
Reply
:iconstranger-danger101:
Stranger-danger101 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2010
Are you now? Well I'm much obliged to say I agree miss.
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2010
Wonderful! Shall I start? My name is Claudia-Rose.
Reply
:iconstranger-danger101:
Stranger-danger101 Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2010
Mine is Kris.
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2010
I had a friend called Chris, I miss him. You're name is unusual but I like it very much! ^^
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconperfect-sunshine:
Perfect-Sunshine Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2009
HAHAHA i'll have to use some of them
Reply
:iconshadow-wolves666:
Shadow-wolves666 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2009  Student
The last one is awesome! Actually They all are :)
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2009
*laughs* Thanks
Reply
:iconshadow-wolves666:
Shadow-wolves666 Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2009  Student
:clap:
Reply
:iconthe-f-key:
The-F-Key Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
25 things to do when you're bored?
that
would be helpful
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2009
Oh that's a good one!
Reply
:iconthechocolatetiger:
TheChocolateTiger Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2009   Writer
are you wokrin on it?
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2009
Not really. XD
Reply
:iconthechocolatetiger:
TheChocolateTiger Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2009   Writer
well heres no1
buy plane tickets to brisbane airport
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009
*laughs*
Reply
:iconthechocolatetiger:
TheChocolateTiger Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009   Writer
:3
Reply
:iconprofiling-reality:
Profiling-Reality Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
This is awesome, very funny too!
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2009
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enoyed them. :)
Reply
:iconprofiling-reality:
Profiling-Reality Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad I enjoyed them too (lol) :iconiloveitmoreplz:
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2009
*laughs* Awesome. :D
Reply
:iconanimeretrocupcake:
animeretrocupcake Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2009
lol i love these
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2009
*laughs* I'm glad! I'm hoping they'll pick up in popularity. :D
Reply
:iconsare-bear28:
Sare-Bear28 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009   Writer
Classic, I like 7.
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009
Awesome, no?
Reply
:iconsare-bear28:
Sare-Bear28 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009   Writer
Indeed my dear. The 25 series sounds like a good idea.
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009
Got any idea's for more?
Reply
:iconsare-bear28:
Sare-Bear28 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009   Writer
Hmm... 25 lamest pick up lines? Do you have any more ideas?
Reply
:icondear-dire-heart:
Dear-Dire-Heart Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2009
OH SNAP! That's great! I'm totally using that.

Not really, I won't put up any more until this one pics up in popularity a little more.
Reply
:iconsare-bear28:
Sare-Bear28 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2009   Writer
It's good, once a few more people see it it'll pick up popularity.
*laughs* I'm glad you like my idea.
Reply
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